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A joke for the weekend

 
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Lord Evan Elpuss



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 3353
Location: Cloud Cuckoo Land

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 10:52 am    Post subject: A joke for the weekend Reply with quote

Something I was sent earlier this week. Made me Laughing

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese


To: The citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form o f
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be requir ed if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actu ally beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or w earing full
Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. Only He can!

John Cleese

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Lord Evan Elpuss, Your ideal job is a Lumberjack.
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Briant



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 964
Location: Liverpool England UK

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 4:09 pm    Post subject: Every little bit....... Reply with quote

Thanks for that Phil Jr. Laughing A lady named Dot Read in Liverpool is applying to knock down the mansion in Surrey of Sir Terry Leahy Chief Exec of Tesco and to build a community area on the site, as he is proposing to demolish her and other houses in the suburb of Kirkby to build a football stadium for Everton FC. along with a new Tesco supermarket. Welwyn Hatfield Borough Council are processing her request! Laughing
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Spanners



Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 169
Location: Lincolnshire

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Steve and I read this article by John Cleese and couldn't stop laughing. Mind you, we agree with the sentiments. Our language is becoming more and more Americanised and whenever I am with my grandchildren I spend most of the time correcting their English - they have got used to me now and do as I ask, whilst with me. The rest of the time they revert to "crud". Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

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gfloyd



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 4861
Location: Here, There, Everywhere.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read that Cleese proposed writing jokes for Obama. I think they might decline after reading this Wink
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Spanners



Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 169
Location: Lincolnshire

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why!!! Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

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Briant



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 964
Location: Liverpool England UK

PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:14 am    Post subject: Ant and Deference.... Reply with quote

If the Queen were to resume governance of the USA they would have no President, so Obama (if he wins) would be out of a job! Laughing

Personally, I'm with Mark Twain who said the idea of a 'Royal Family' is an insult to the rest of the human race. Perhaps some people like being 'ants' running around feeding their supposed superiors? Rolling Eyes
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