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Rating Wars III- Rise of the TOGi

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:08 am    Post subject: Rating Wars III- Rise of the TOGi Reply with quote

Coming soon...to a Coffee Bar near you...


Rating Wars III- Rise of the TOGi

Join Captain Wogan and his band of rebel Broadcasters as they fight their way back to the top of the ratings with a brand new network Digital Radio Station......

BGS Interference.
[Moyles] Decode the interception.

[WB] On Line … On Digital…On Wogan…..

[Moyles] So the wily old fox has launched a new digital channel all of his own….. and I thought there were no worthy opponents left in the broadcasting world.

[Rajar] WRONGBONGGGGGGGGGGGG! Where are you?!
[WB] Here,my lord.
[Rajar] You are a festering little turd of an assistant, Wrongbong.
[WB] Why,thank you my lord.
[Rajar] Where have you been all week?
[WB] Well my lord, I’ve managed to get myself a slot on the Chris Evans Breakfast Show.
[Rajar] Really… and what does this slot involve?
[WB] I just point out all the mistakes, my lord.
[Rajar] it’s no wonder you’ve been away all week, you must be very busy.
[WB] no my lord, I’ve been holding back … but I have a plan……..
[Rajar] Good …. Is it a plan that sees the end of Evans?…….

Starship Drivetime..

[Nav1] Oh my feet are killing me.
[Capt Mayo] what you need Sal, is one of those foot soak massage things.
[Nav1] hmmmmm yes well, the unknown chef got my footsoak…..

Rebel Battle Cruiser.

[Captain Walker] It’ll be like taking candy from a baby.
[Captain Wogan] Well, we warned them about the R2Icon- hell knows no fury like the cybernetic organism scorned…. What do you say ma’am.
[R2Icon] …..Three… Two…. One….. Engage…….We're back!!!!

Oh yes ..... don't miss it.
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's been too long... I can't wait, the suspense...

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It’s an old fashioned movie, so the credits come first..


The Good Guys.

The Listeners
Captain Wogan
Captain Walker
Captain Lester (oh yes, he’s a captain now)
Captain Mayo
Lt Commander Sarah Kay
Lt Commander Janice
Commander Sally Nav 1
Commander Lynn Nav 2
Commander Foxy
Commander Ken
Lt Jezza

The Bad Guys…

Captain Chris ( but we know there’s good in him somewhere)
The Evil Lord Moyles
The Evil Emperor Rajar
Commander Wrighty
The Management
The Unkown Chef

The plucky comic relief …

The Sports Guy Jonny
Mr Wrongbong

And special guest star …

Midshipman Maconi

Special Effects…

Blue Angel Technology Ltd.

Note to the real world. What you say and do on air over the next three weeks can and almost certainly will change the outcome of this movie……..
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Evil Emperor Rajar was at it again, after years of planning, he had once again created a most painful and turbulent time in the broadcasting world; Rajar, from the safety of his orbiting space-bunker amused himself watching the suffering as the listening planet below the battling starships was caught in an unwelcome pincer-movement of total breakfast-time cluster-tripe. The old refuge where the TOGi would gather each morning to shelter from the daily onslaught had been swept aside by former Drivetime hero of the hour, Captain Chris, but his attempts to provide shelter from the Moyles morning malaise was, some say, worse than the Moyles himself, and that was a pill far too bitter to swallow for the faithful TOGi. There was no safe-house, even the Royal Palace was battered with cluster-tripe. It had been a microphone too far for Her Majesty, she commanded all endeavours to be employed to bring about an end to the suffering. To that end the Royal Palace issued a telegram………..

In the kitchen of a large house in Surrey.

A team of Broadcasters had gathered around a large table at the request of Captain Wogan, they looked careworn, worried and weary, although, it seemed, very well fed. The long meeting with executive nibbles, a range of organic sausages on sticks, and chunky-choccy biscuits was drawing to a close…….

[CW]… and there it is, that is what Her Majesty has requested- we have no choice but to comply.
[Icon] and as you can see from the schedule, you all have a fantastic slot on what is set become the biggest commercial radio station the Galaxy has ever seen.
[SK] Commercial radio? But how will we be funded?
[CW] ah yes well, we will be doing the odd advert but none of those tacky local radio type adverts, oh no, it’s all funded by product placement in the shows.
[SK] Product placement- what do you mean?

Captain Wogan leaned forward….. everyone else around the table leaned forward too, the air hug heavy with anticipation, even the last of the sausages seemed to have its ears pricked.......

[CW] well, did you know {pause for effect}…. Kellogogs don’t make Cornflakes for anyone else…… and that one tag line, between 7 and 8 in the morning, to 8 or 9 million listeners, is enough to fund the entire starship for 6 months…..
[CL] Brilliant!
[CW] oh there’s more,…..
[SK] there is?…
[CW] oh yes…… what about this one…….here at Wogan Radio we don’t give a four X for anything else, a man’s gotta chew what a man’s gotta chew… and they’re even chewier than a 15 storey block of flats, cos no other battery looks like it or lasts like it. So you see, we’re quids in……now what do you say … will you fly with me?………

[All] Where do we sign?!!

To be continued...............
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(the sausage with its ears pricked)

HMQ is fully up-to-speed, though - would she not have Twittered (or Tweet'd Cool
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Meanwhile… on board the Bad Guy’s Ship Interference….

The Evil Emperor Rajar accompanied by his faithful servant Wrongbong was due at the shuttle bay for the daily evil deeds meeting with the Moyles.

[TM] My master –welcome to my humble starship, how good of you come, do come in, would you care for a cup of tea?
[Rajar] You may dispense with the pleasantries, Moyles, I’m not here for tea and stickies. I bring news of your nemesis.
[TM] Captain Wogan?
[Rajar] No, you fool, get with the programme, Captain Wogan has retired; he’s no longer a thorn in our side, I’m talking about Captain Evans, that spineless pathetic excuse for a broadcaster, he is our enemy now, and we need a plan to sweep him away.
[TM] I’m doing my best my master.
[Rajar] Your best! Pah! Losers whinge about doing their best. Winners Moyles, winners go home with then roger the prom queen. Do you get it lardy boy- I want prom queens all over the galaxy screaming your name,….. I want ratings!!!
[WB] If I may suggest…
[Rajar] What is it Wrongbong?
[WB] Well, my lord, have you considered chewing gum?
[Rajar] Chewing gum?! Wrongbong.
[WB] Yes my lord, chewing gum, but not just any old chewing gum, well actually it could be any old chewing gum but the important thing is where to put it.
[Rajar] Oh do be brief, Wrongbong.
[WB] If I may continue, my lord. If we place a piece of well chewed sticky chudda on the scale of the instantolistenernumberometer on the bridge of Captain Chris’ Starship Breakfast and we do it quickly enough so that the reading remains at pre-Captain Wogan retirement levels, then we can go about our evil work unseen by the ratings panel and the Starship Board of Governors, and the listeners bribe fund allocation committee.
[Rajar]..yes… do go on…
[WB] Well, my lord, once we have achieved ratings domination, we simply remove the chewing gum, then Captain Chris’ ratings will collapse to their true level, the power and funding supplied by the instantolistenernumberometer will be withdrawn instantly. Once Captain Chris realises the true extent of his mammoth failure- he’ll near die of embarrassment and give up broadcasting for good.
[Rajar] Oh Wrongbong, I love your foul little mind. Make it so…..

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Who's going to do the chewing to make it stick?

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On board the brand new shiny Starship Breakfast -Pre production meeting. (which roughly translates into, what did you get up to last night.)

The team were gathered around a couple of messy desks, drinking machine coffee from plastic cups, eating the last of yesterday’s biscuits, and bouncing ideas around about the new show…….

[CC] ....so we’re pretty much done- if only we could shoehorn in one more feature we’ll have filled that extra half hour.
[TSGJ] Ok, which one of you has my plastic cup holder?
[CC] What sort of feature is that?
[TSGJ] That wasn’t a suggestion, it was a question about my cup holder- ok you want a suggestion, how about we do a funny sports story feature,..thing?
[CC] Nah, you already have too much airtime: hang on, who’s that ugly little fella?
[All] Where, who?
[CC] there, just now, an ugly little fella walked past chewing something.
[Nav2] Oh there he is over by the instantolistenernumberometer. Excuse me! Yes you, Mr Potato. What are you doing over there?
[WB] Bongggggggggg!!!!!!!!! Look, I’m not a potato I just like the rustic look, this is how we all look where I come from…..…
[CC] Do that again.
[WB] I’m not a potato, I just like….
[CC] No no! Not that – the other thing…
[WB] Oh you mean this? Bonggggggggg!
[CC] Yes! that’s it, so much better than a bell – we have a bong. What’s your name ugly little fella?
[WB] Wrongbong, sir.
[CC] Brilliant! So, your name is Wrongbong, and you bong.
[WB] Oh yes, sir; well, technically, it’s Mr Wrongbong, but most people call me Wrongbong for short. I’m a pedantic little so and so, it’s in our genes you see, every time we here something wrong… off it goes … bonggggggggggg! And the wronger something is , the louder the bong. Bonggggggg! There it goes again.
[CC] Cool beans! Love it! How would you like to be in our show, ugly little fella?
[WB] Hmmmmm ok, what do I have to do?
[CC] Just bong when you hear something wrong.
[WB]Oh, well I’m quite good at that… ok then, it’s a deal!
[TSGJ] Look, I’m not joking, I want my cup holder back before our next coffee break.
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wondered what this Bongggggg! might look like, so, being naive, I googled Bong
Rolling Eyes

It's called the Notorious B.O.N.G - Bling-Blong.

The wrong Wrongbongggg!
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a nice Bong there, Ron. Smile If it carries on like this, Bing, is going to feel left out. Smile

Last edited by R2Icon on Wed Jan 20, 2010 3:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And so it was that Wrongbong took up his place on the Breakfast Show, making it oh so easy to go about his evil work, which he did with gusto. Meanwhile; Captain Wogan, unknown to Radio 2 and the Evil Emperor Rajar, was putting the finishing touches to his new broadcasting schedule. It read like a list of everyone ever put down, stepped on or elbowed out the way to make room Captain Chris’ ego. It would be a daytime schedule at first, from 6am to 7pm, Monday to Friday only. During the quiet hours, pre-recorded specialist music programmes would be aired back to back. That’s it, said Captain Wogan, happy with that, I’ll just read it through myself one more time, to be sure. Let me see it’s……
6:00 -7:30. In the sack with Sarah… ah yes perfect…
7:30 - 9:30 Wogan on Wogan . I like that, Captain Wogan thought to himself; ah yes, I’ve moved up in the world, more than just a name: oh yes, now I’m a huge corporate logo. Wogan Radio- yes, I like the sound of that.
9:30-10:30 Popmaster Special with Commander Ken
10:30-12:30 The Ladies that Brunch Show with Janice
12:30-14:00 Jezza and three things to get overexcited about.
14:00-17:00 Alex in the Afternoon
17:00-19:00 The Old Pirate Drivetime Show

It was only one weekend away from the launch of Captain Wogan’s new Radio Starship: but there was no advertising for the new radio station, no faux interest in what the first record may be, no jaunty jingles, no gimmicks, just a simple text message to a single TOGi was enough, because the TOGi are like the BORG, they have a collective sense of being, so what one TOGi knows, all TOGi know. Over the weekend, millions of TOGi queued quietly at every HIFI store on the planet, emergency Portaloos were drafted in to avoid accidents in the long queues; the sale of digital radios went exponential…..

As agreed with Captain Wogan, the new line-up for Radio Wogan, had all resigned their positions on Radio 2 one after the other, live on air at the end of each of their Friday shows. Radio 2 was in absolute panic, who would fill the gaps, surely the station would collapse? An emergency meeting was called by Rear Admiral Bob Shennanigans. As it was a Friday, and most people had already done one for the weekend, only two people turned up at the meeting.. it was the Rear Admiral, and Cabin Boy Richard.
[BS] You’re the only one available to cover?
[CBR] Yep looks that way but don’t worry, sir, we’ll just run the Christmas Schedule, I fill in for everyone then, so we can do that- everyone loves me, in fact on the message boards every time a show becomes vacant or even just a rumour of a vacancy, there are suggestions that I’m the perfect man for the job.
[BS] but you’re just a Cabin Boy, Richard, and you’d be like a rash on the schedule if you filled in for all those who’ve left today. No, we have no choice; we’ll have to shut down until we can get some more talent in…get me the Moyles on the phone.
[CBR] The Moyles!!!!!!

Duf duf duf ….

TBC.... next Wednesday...... I know... but you'll have to wait... Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry about the delay on this folks, it is coming, trust me, it's just life gets in the way of fun sometimes.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Meanwhile in the corridors of power, the cabinet were discussing the financial crisis……….

[PM] …look, we have no choice, we’ve sold all the family silver and all the gold: is there anything left we can sell……. what about British Gas?
[Chan] sold years ago, we’ve spent the money
[PM] British Steel?
[Chan] sold years ago, we’ve spent the money
[PM] British Telecom?
[Chan] sold years ago, we’ve spent the money
[PM] British Leyland?
[Chan] Don’t even go there…. We paid them to take it off our hands…
[PM]British Rail?
[Chan] nope! Sold.. and yep we’ve spent all the money
[PM] ok then what about North Sea Oil?
[Chan] which planet are you on? Sold years ago… we’ve spent the money.
[PM] this can’t be right, what did we spend the money on?
[Chan] buying votes…
[PM] we don’t buy votes.. People love us…..let me think… oh yes what about the Royal Mail?
[Chan] We’ve tried that- nobody wants it….
[PM] What about the lecky companies?
[Chan] nope! Sold already….. spent the money
[PM] this is not looking good…..hang on…. What about the BBC?
[Chan] No! ….. we would never get away with that..
[PM] yes!… yes we can… I’m the PM, I can do what I like…. Take out a full page add in to tomorrow’s Grundian… no hang-on, strike that, the socialists won’t be interested in capitalism…… in tomorrow’s Times…… For sale by public Auction … let me see….. we can break it up into bite sized chuncks…we’ll make more votes… err money…. that way..
[Chan] you mean asset strip?….
[PM] whatever….. which is the best bit?…..
[Chan] Radio 2.
[PM] we’ll start with that……..

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing You must have seen an advance copy of the manifestos!

They've been talking about it for ten years or more. Is this the nudge they need?
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In a very large shed, at the bottom of a garden in Surrey, lay dormant, yet throbbing with excitement, the world’s best kept secret, the most powerful broadcasting starship ever created. Starship Wogan was going through its final configuration before its launch into controversy, the outer atmosphere, and broadcasting history, all in a very short 15 seconds time. …..

[CW] are we all ready to join the rating wars?
[Captain Walker] It’ll be like taking candy from a baby.
[CW] Well, we warned them about the R2Icon- hell knows no fury like the cybernetic organism scorned…. What do you say ma’am?
[R2Icon] …..three… two…. one….. Engage!!!

The Starship Wogan, a mind-blowing symphony of engineering genius, so large, its upper deck resembled that of a metropolitan skyline, slid gracefully and silently from Captain Wogan’s garden shed. Gliding the massive hulk into space was an effortless task for the sixteen geodimetric silent thrust units…..The first starship of its kind, with proper windows……..from which, everyone was looking …..

[Lt Cdr Kay] wow….. this is beautiful!.
[CW] Beautiful?! Beautiful?! New born babies are beautiful! Sunsets are beautiful, this … this is chuffing spectacular!!!!…. Ok now don’t be getting all excited, I know we’ll be broadcasting for the first time tomorrow but for now we’ll leave the cloaking system on and get some sleep…….who’s on sausage duty in the morning?

[Lt Cdr Kay] That’ll be me….
[CW] just like the good old days…….. nighters all….
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wogan Radio’s first broadcast commenced exactly on schedule at 06:00 GMT with Lt Cdr Kay and her consummate dissection of the galactic media, mixed with the best music and heaps of off the cuff fun……..

[Lt Cdr kay] Well that’s it from me…. Back tomorrow….. ..on line , on digital… on Wogan….

The Starship Breakfast was locked in a head to head battle with the BGS Interference…there was cluster tripe everywhere……. Eeeeewwwwwww.

[Nav 2] Sir!!!! Sir!!!! We’ve received an intercept!!!
[CC] Play it back..
……on line, on digital… on Wogan!
[CC] what is it, where did it come from? What’s going on?
[Nav2] it’s not a BBC signal, sir, there’s an hour and a half of it that we’ve missed……it’s brand new,…… let me see {frantic button pushing}….. it’s only showing up now because our power levels have dropped due to a massive shift in listeners.
[CC] what massive shift in listeners? The instantolistenernumberometer thingy is still showing pre-Wogan retirement levels…
[Nav2] I’ll check it out, sir, it may be malfunctioning………………..Oh my god!!!!!! It’s smoking!!!!
Meanwhile, Wrongbong was sliding sideways towards an escape pod.
[CC] where are you going Wrongbong?
[WB] I think you’re doing very well today, sir , I don’t think you’ll be needing me..
[CC] Stay right where you are…..
[Nav2] It’s chewing gum!!!! It’s all clogged up with chewing gum!! Hang on I’ll just unstick it with a screwdriver ……..
[WB] No!!! Don’t whatever you do unstick it…….

Wrongbong’s chewing gum popped out from behind the pointer, in an instant, the meter shot around to below zero, all power to the Starship breakfast was lost…the lights dimmed.
[CC] initiate emergency power units.
[Nav2] ok done… we have lights at least…
[CC] Commence emergency broadcast… that’ll buy us 30 minutes.
[CC] full status report – all stations.
[Nav2] What’s that noise….. something hit us…?
[CC] on screen…Oh my god!!!!! We're gonna hit the Interference.... brace brace, brace.

a few moments past but there was no collision ...

[CC] what's happening.
[Nav2] The Interference has just sent a distress signal, they've lost all power too...... we're locked together and drifting.......

Last edited by R2Icon on Sun Feb 07, 2010 7:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Starship breakfast had locked horns, quite literally, with the BGS Interference; the two vast starships, entangled and lifeless, drifted, spinning uncontrollably into deep-space, both ships completely powerless after a massive step-change to the input of their vast listener fuelled propulsion systems….

The uncontrollable spinning caused the debratic mess on the breakfast show desks to distribute itself sea-like, in waves, across floor of the bridge. The Sports Guy Jonny spotted his plastic cup holder bobbing about amongst the biscuit wrappers, boxes of tea-bags, old show-notes and e-mails, he dived, Peter Shilton style, to grab it before it disappeared under the navigation console. Jonny’s hand eye co-ordination was never exactly anything to write home about, and on this occasion, floating in space, it was somewhat worse than usual, Jonny missed the plastic cupholder entirely but he did manage to catch Wrongbong square on the side of the head, knocking Wrongbong’s Helmet off.


Everyone yelled.

[CC] Grumpy Stumpy, is Wrongbong! What are you doing here?!
[MM] I’m just getting my revenge you lanky streak of pith.
[CC] Revenge? What for?
[MM] You took my gig; for months I nursed that show, it was mine for the taking, til you came along with your over-production and your fancy jingles…
[CC] I’ve never stolen anything in my life, they offered me the gig, anyway that was years ago, you’re not still going on about that are you?
[MM] no one holds a grudge like a second rate DJ with short man syndrome.
[CC] Well, if this situation we find ourselves in is your doing, then you’ve shot yourself in the foot, Lofty. Nav2, can you call the XO.
[Nav2] The XO… what’s that?
[CC] not what, Nav2, but who… he’s the executive officer…. It’s Commander Wrighty – he deals with all things disciplinary … and we have a Court Martial on our hands……
[Nav2] is this really a good time to have one of those? You do know we are doomed to an eternity of this drifting in deep-space with no hope of a rescue.. hang on, I say eternity, I mean until we starve to death and that won’t be long looking at what’s left of our biscuits on the deck…..

[CC] Nah – don’t worry, Nav 2- the Icon won’t let us die, we’ve been here before in the last movie: we have time for the Court Martial… you’ll see… now pass me that black cap, I’ll be needing that later…..
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


On Wogan Radio…….

[Icon] three… two…. one….. and … open mic…let em have it big boy…..

[CW] Is it me…….Well, … I guess it must be..…. Ahhhhhh… that’s better… it’s like putting on and old pair of shoes…. welcome to Wogan on Wogan… that’s me …oh yes….. on my own Radio Show…. on my own Radio Station…. Broadcasting, cos that’s what we do…. from my own Starship, right up here in space….….. me….. a captain of a cosmic corporation…. You’d never have thought it….And you thought I’d retired… oh no…… you can’t keep an old captain down for long…. What’s this?…. The TOGi are at it already ….Ah my old friend Tosta…. Tosta De-Crumpeto…. there’s no better way Tosta ….Welcome back Captain Wigon…..it’s the accent you know, we’ll forgive him for tthat, he’s from Rome can’t you tell….. … Wogan!…. Watch my lips… Wo…. Wo…. Wogan…… . Tosta says… I see that their selling your old gaff …. Yes it’s true…. Radio 2 is up for grabs…. But we’ll have some more on that… after this first no fuss track….I’ll let you into a little secret… we don’t pick em… it’s all down to the Icons…….

track 1


[CW]Ah good old Eltie….Rocket Man… I feel a bit like that myself up here…. What’s this?…. Benny is offering some cash and suggesting that we buy Radio 2.ourselves …. Well…thanks Benny … Benny Fitz-frod…. I’ll pass it onto our mergers and acquisitions department…all cash welcome; you know, new starships don’t come cheap…./ Yes we may be just a small Radio Station but we’re a great Radio Station too… We have Sarah Kay…and Commander Ken…. Captain Lester’s Afternoon show, Captain Lester’s hair, Captain Lester’s youth, charm and wit …. And the old Pirate himself, Captain Walker… hang on… what now…… I’m getting something in my ear from the Icon….. Oh…. Gosh…. Apparently after a short telephone conversation with the PM… we’ve bought Radio 2…… …and we’re not even onto our second record….. now that must be a record……… things move fast when you’re broadcasting in hyperspace…. We’ve employed at huge expense an entire team of Commercial Brand Consultants.. and they’ve come up with our new name… Radio Twogan…. I like the sound of that…but more than that….I hope you like the sound of this…

Track 2


[Icon] [In earpiece] we’ve received a distress call from the Starship Breakfast; they’re in a flat spin in deep space , no power, they’ll be off air in 22 minutes…..

[CW][On squawk-box] Page Captain Lester … go with him, take a rescue shuttle and don’t forget to take a remote airlock kit… there’s one by the shuttle bay door…..the show is queued so , I’ll be ok here until you get back … be quick, they’re nearly out of range and by the way ma’am … they work for you now…. So I’m sure they’ll be pleased to see you……….

The Icon met Captain Lester at the shuttle bay, they grabbed a flight case marked “Auto Airlock Kit”… then..they buckled up and hit the road…….
….. …. …….

Last edited by R2Icon on Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Starship Breakfast….

[Nav2] Sir!!!! There’s a rescue mission on its way… just had a signal from the R2Icon…. And there’s a footnote… we’ve been bought-out by Wogan Radio and now we’re called "Radio Twogan"….. you know what this means?
[CC] She’s back!!!! How long til they get here?
[Nav2] twenty minutes, sir!
[CC] Good … we have time for the Court Martial….. I’ll be the Judge and executioner…. Midshipman Maconi can defend himself .. and the rest of you can watch, and maybe be a… sort of jury ……. In a heckling kind of way…. Bring the Prisoner forward……

A crazed Midshipman Maconi launched himself at Captain Chris, his arms and legs flailing like the blades on an out of control garden rotovavtor. Captain Chris is blessed with Ninga-like reactions, so held out his right arm , then pressed his hand against Midshipman Maconi’s forehead, to prevent any further advance… this held at bay any unwelcome limbs entering Captain Chris’ airspace, they remained in this position until Midshipman Maconi collapsed through exhaustion, he fell into a snotty heap on the floor….
[CC] Restrain him?….. thank you…. Now I’ll just read out the charges….. can’t remember the date or time.. but that’s not important cos ….Charge one! You at sometime when I was on holiday upset Foxy live on air. Charge two! …You discarded chewing gum in the vicinity of the instantolistenernumberometer and. Charge three! You committed broadcasting high treason in direct disobedience of the galactic broadcasting code but mainly you upset Foxy…… and now we're gonna find out .... [Cornish accent - a bit like a really bad Tom Jones]... is he guilty........... or is he naw?.....Nav2!

[Nav2] Sir!
[CC] pick the prisoner up by his ankles…….
[Nav2] Sir!

To be continued…..
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Nav2] easy, I can do that with one hand…
[CC] now you’re just showing off…..OK to business….. Midshipman Maconi , you’ve heard the charges… now we want the truth….
[MM] you can’t handle the truth…..the truth is you want me on your show, you need me on your show, your show is nothing without me…….and that means I can do and say what I like….
[CC] Nav 2
[Nav2] Sir!
[CC] try with no hands….
[MM] Hey watch the hair!!! Watch the hair… ok… ok… I admit it …. It was me in the sofa advert.
[CC] So fa.. so good…. Now what about the other things?… Nav2 … try clapping…
[MM] Ok ok ok … yes it’s true .. I use just for men in a colour far too dark for my skin tone…
[CC] well none of had guessed that, had we folks?
[All]No no not at all… all looks perfectly natural to us….
[CC] but what about those other things?
[MM] what could be worse than people knowing I use just for men? I suppose Jonny uses Guyliner… nah it’s not as bad as that….. Yes ok .. I admit it .. I did it all….it was me, but I would have got away with it , if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!….
[CC] Midshipman Maconi, you have been found guilty of upsetting Foxy and a whole load of other stuff too… any last requests before we cast you out into deep space..
[Wrighty] ah actually, Captain Chris, we can’t do that.
[CC] We can’t? What can we do? Can we lock him up for ever?
[Wrighty] Nope
[CC] Chop any bits off?
[Wrighty] Nope..
[CC] oh this is no fun anymore!… what can we do?… what’s the maximum sentence?
[Wrighty] well ….hmmmmm. to stay in strict compliance with the broadcasting code… the maximum sentence is withdrawal of biscuit rations … and I have to add that by the look of him … it won’t do him any harm…
[Nav2] I’ll second that… can I put him down now?
[Wrighty] However…
[CC] Oh I liked the tone of that however …
[Wrighty] However…. There is a lesser punishment that is much worse.
[CC] there is? Let’s hear it.
[Wrighty] Chaperone Broadcasting only.
[CC] ahha!!!! Yes!!! Let’s go for leniency…. Midshipman Maconi… you are hearby sentenced to five years of evening only Chaperone Broadcasting with that what’s his name….Court adjourned.

Rescues Shuttle

[Icon] Ok Alex, line up on spaceway 45…set course sector seven azimuth 135, elevation minus 27… full space flaps…check windsock for solar wind…check engines stabilised and balanced, check fuel rods, navigation lights on, anti-collision light on, landing lights on., all gas-tight doors and windows closed …
[CL] yep … all ready

[Icon] Punch it….

[CL] we should be there in about 18 minutes….fancy some Wogan..
[Icon] yeah go or it, I never know what to say on these space flights..

{from the speakers}


[Icon] You know, I’ve waited years to get you on your own, everyday I’ve rehearsed what I would say when this moment arrived but now that the moment has come, I’m numb with fear and happiness in equal measure… happy, because at long last, here we are, and terrified cos I know this moment will end all too soon and I won’t have said any of those things I rehearsed..
[CL] Don’t worry….. what’s it like being a robot?
[Icon] well it’s not so bad really, the hours are bit of a killer, what with it being a 24 hour a day thing… but you know, it has its moments of fun…
[CL] Ah… here we are… prepare to dock..
[Icon] see… I didn’t get to say anything……. Ok line up on the horizon bar… Stay in the green zone of the GPI.. down a bit … that’s better… down a bit more ok , more spaceflaps…. and reverse thrust …… Ok go neutral…inching … inching…inching and connection… and lock…
To be continued….
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On board the Starship Breakfast, Captain Chris, upon hearing the airlock beep, opened the door. Captain Lester accompanied by the Icon went through the airlock onto the Starship Breakfast… they were greeted by a scene of joviality.

[Icon] Ok you lot, into the shuttle… we have two minutes before we drift out of range. There’ll be time to catch up and hug and kiss later….

Before the Icon had finished speaking all but the sports guy Jonny had made their way through the airlock into the shuttle.

[TSGJ] I’m not leaving without my plastic cup holder.

Jonny was on his knees rummaging around in the debris ..
[TSGJ] Ouch!!! Who makes these paperclip sculptures… got me right in the knee….
[Icon] Jonny!!! Now!! There’s no time..
[TSGJ] Oh go without me.. I can’t survive without my plastic cup holder…

The Icon opened an access panel in her tummy then took out a solid gold plastic cup holder.

[Icon] Jonny! Take mine… think of it as your very own sore knee award..

Jonny grabbed the cup holder from the Icon, and then boarded the shuttle. The Icon took out the auto-airlock kit so that the air-lock could be operated remotely from the shuttle. As the lid of the flight case opened, hundreds of CDs spilled out across the floor but no air-lock kit.

[Icon] there’s no auto air-lock kit in the box- just a load of CDS and a note saying Lester’s Library…. You’ll have to go without me…. Closing airlock…..

The Icon closed the airlock, then tuned into Wogan…..

[Speaker] …


The Icon watched through the tiny observation slit in the airlock door, her hands pressed flat against the cold titainium, as the shuttle sped back to the Starship Wogan, its occupants she would never see again. She almost felt a tear and wondered if perhaps for that moment she had experiened emotion. Knowing that her fate was an eternity of drifting in deep space in quite close proximity to The Moyles, who had suffered the same fate , she set about the only thing she knew that would fill the time…. The Times Crossword.

1 Across… Writer sees abbreviated end of war celebration, not quite everone’s previous lover, for how it is. 1,4,4.

The Icon smiled as ELO blasted out from the console, then thought ……ok perhaps the next one will help with the first and be the one everyone remembers….

2 Across…. World of Satsumas, Pithy End. 6,4,5

The End.
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