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Rating Wars V- The Final Conflict

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:34 am    Post subject: Rating Wars V- The Final Conflict Reply with quote

Disclaimer: This story is completely fictional: any similarity to real people, events or locations is both accidental and unintended.

To get the best from this feature- you may like to read the other books/movies in the trilogy.

Rating Wars

Rating Wars II Ego of the Moyles

Rating Wars III Rise of the TOGI

Rating Wars IV A Chris Miss Carol

The brand new Star Ship Breakfast, recently launched amid much controversy was orbiting the Moon, cruising on impulse motors; a reassuring throb could be felt through the floor of the enormous craft as the Flag Ship effortlessly sliced its way through the nothingness of space. With the Breakfast Show having just finished, Captain Chris had his feet up on the dashboard of the new control deck, an exact replica of the cockpit from a Ferrari F40: this recently upgraded control deck was much better than the prototype: no one liked the prototype, it was, well: it was truly awful, made from cardboard, and with its windscreen wipers having to be fitted on the inside of the windscreen because it had no engine sound effects made it very unpopular indeed. The new control deck, however, had all the bells and whistles and realistic engine sound. Phew! A computer control system would interpret then translate Captain Chris’ car driving inputs to Star Ship flying commands: so you see, being a space pilot was as easy as an Scotsman navigating the North Circular by car for the first time without a map. The team were enjoying a round of throthy coffee, several pies and an impromptu game of control-deck cricket with an empty carboard coffee cup. Captain Chris was driving in and out the white lines of the space-way as he did whenever he was at a loose end, Lieutenant “Taffy” Jones, your granny’s favourite, was over at his desk trying to come up with interesting questions for his guests and new one-liners to impart to his listeners just how happy he is being at Radio 2. “It’s lovely to be here”, and “it’s great to have you with us” were wearing very thin with the Sunday morning inhabitants of Planet Earth. Captain Lester was asleep in his bunk. The whole place was pretty chilled out. Suddenly… a huge bang and flash of white light ended the broadcasting utopia, smoke billowed from the wall near to Lt. Jones. As the smoke cleared, a large figure emerged from the settling dust. It was The Evil Lord Moyles and a couple of his henchmen. “Oh not you again”, sighed, Captain Chris. “YES” boomed, The Moyles, “I’m back!” . Lt. Jones, the most unlikely hero stepped up to confront the Moyles but as Lt Jones turned, instead of seeing the Moyles, he found himself looking down the wrong end of a Triple Barrelled Vox-Box Disintegrating Voice Neutraliser. For those who don’t know, a Triple Barrelled Vox-Box Disintegrating Voice Neutraliser isn’t quite as bad as it sounds, it’s actually a fancy name for a voice grabber, in short, it steals your voice. The Evil Lord Moyles pulled the trigger, and then as quickly as he’d arrived, he was gone, along with Lt. Jones’ voice. The command team faced a dilemma – did they pursue Moyles to recover Lt Jones’ voice or find a stand-in? Bizzzzzzzzzzzzzt Bizzzzzzzzzzzzzt. Captain Lester was woken from his slumber. Crewmembers of ships always have two or sometimes three jobs in addition to their primary role- the Star Ship Breakfast was no different. Captain Lester loved his broadcasting role but he loved bureaucracy and officialdom even more, as such, he was the perfect Ships’ Stores Officer when he wasn’t broadcasting. “What is it?” grumbled a barely awake Captain Lester…..

[CC] Soz to to get you up old matey but we need an emergency issue of a stand-in presenter.
[CL] Ok, I’ll give you a buzz when I get down to the layapart store.

Captain Lester revelled in his Stores Officer role, he donned his brown overcoat style overall, picked up his clipboard, tucked a pen behind his ear, although he had other pens, stacked up like a line of medals on an American General’s uniform in the top pocket of his overall. Several lift journeys and a couple of swishy doors later. Captain Lester was in the deep store.
Up on the command deck, Captain Chris waited, then.. Bizzzzzzzzzzzzz.
[CC] Yes!
[CL] Yeah Alex here, I’m in the deep store and it’s not great news.
[CC] What have we got?
[CL] Well we’ve got, a, hmmmmm, cryogenically frozen Richard Alli- something, can’t see the label for the ice- oh hang on, scrub that – past its use by date… we can’t use it.

[CC] Anything else?

[CL] Oh! Yes! This could be the answer.

[CC] What is it?!

[CL] Well we’ve got enough spare parts to make a new Lt Sarah K, oh hang on, no we don’t have the bottom half. Oh, wait a minute, I’ve not seen that for a while: I have a great idea! – Leave it with me, big boy, I’ll be up in a jiffy.

Captain Lester feverishly set about is work piecing together various parts: arms , body , head, power unit , personality, and one final item.. that’s it! Perfect!

Captain Lester made his way back to the command deck decision-making corner. The doors swished open.

[CL] Ta nahhhhhhhhhh! What do you think?! Will this do?

The command team looked agog as they gazed with admiration at Captain Lester’s solution to Lt. Jones’ missing voice problem. It was a complete top half of Lt Sarah K bolted to Captain Wogan’s redundant snack trolley.

[CC] Brlliant! Does she work?

[CL] Well, you have to push her around but yeah I think so, well actually, I’ve not turned her on yet- ready… one , two, three…. And bingo!

Lt. Sarah K sparked into life.

[SK] Don’t you lot think you’re going to get away with this- I’m not happy being bolted to Wogan’s snack trolley- I look like a Blue Peter Davros!!

[CC] Welcome back Sarah. Right then; well that helps with our dilemma – sorry Jonesy boy – we’ll get your voice back later in the story ……….

To be continued.....

Last edited by Rachel on Wed Mar 30, 2011 1:02 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Moyles made his way back to the cave where the Evil Emperor Rajar lived a life of abject debauchery. The Moyles was nervous – he’d screwed up big style this time- Rajar had used up his last favour with the King of Planet Zooboo to get hold of a Temporal Phase Shift Boarding Bubble- the only means of illegal entry onto the Star Ship Breakfast. Rajar wasn’t interested in Lt Jones – no one was, he wanted Captain Evans’ voice- he wanted to silence the Breakfast Show. The Moyles, looking a bit sheepish approached Rajar with his sack of loot. In a deep booming voice, the kind of voice that can wither a man’s soul at twenty-five paces, Rajar said…

[EER] Do we have the Breakfast Show?

The Moyles thinking on his feet and lying like a cheap pawnshop clock, said…

[TM] Yes my Master- we have it. Evans is silenced for good.

[EER] Excellent work Lord Moyles- now take your ship, The Interference, to the dark side of the moon, and await further instructions.

The Moyles returned to his rusty old battle cruiser – The Interference, a broadcasting Star Ship from yesteryear – a battered, careworn, unloved, tired old star ship with all the grace, charm and appeal of a rubber dog turd. The Moyles loved his star ship but he was the only one who did, it was safe haven for him and his microphone but for the first time in his life he was terrified because he knew that at 06:30 double o buffalo sod-all o’clock tomorrow morning, Captain Chris would burst into life, the airwaves would be filled with joy and The Moyles’ lie would stand out like a bulldog’s balls for all to see. The Evil Emperor Rajar would surely cut off The Moyles’ life support system. Everyone knew that the Moyles was a powerful being but they also knew that his power came from the evil manipulation of the listening figures, without the Evil Emperor, The Moyles was just a fat bloke with a big chip on his shoulder, probably living his life out on construction sites, digging holes and telling sexist jokes while showing off his builders bum to passers by.

The Moyles needed a plan and he need it faster than the author could think of one- so for now back to the Star Ship Breakfast where arguments had broken out over a recent pie delivery. It turned out that there were fewer pies than mouths to feed and these pies were too good to share. Commander Sally was first in the pie queue, Captain Chris was near the back of the queue

[CC] Erm Commander Sally- I thought you were a veggie?

[Nav 1] Yes I am, sir, but as you know, meat pies have only potato and gravy in them.

[CC] Damn! She’s right. Erm, Commander Vee, you’re new here, yes…… are you sure that you’re eligible for a pie?

[CV] Look Chris baby, I’m part of the team from day 1, whether it’s broadcasting or pies.

[CC] Damn! She’s right. Hang-on! Wait a minute! We need a pie for the R2Icon.

The queue stopped – a pie was rapidly passed to Captain Chris.

The R2 Icon, a C2000 Management Protocol Cyborg, a semi-rigid boron-titanium alloy skeletal structure, packed with a sixteen core infinite bit dynamic processor and infinite RAM and memory storage with instant recall, covered in living tissue to resemble the perfect female human form – she was beautiful, blonde, 5 foot nine inches tall, slim, athletic even, the envy of millions of women but she was a cold hearted ruthless management machine and she weighed seven metric tonnes so she was never going to be lifted over a threshold any time soon. Only two Radio 2 captains were allowed anywhere near her. She lived and worked right at the front of the Star Ship Breakfast, she would spend her days processing and strategising everything that transpired, keeping watch, she was the eyes and ears of Radio 2 but to Radio 2 she was a goddess- a legend.- the perfect listener.

Captain Chris knocked on the Icon’s door, and then entered her chambers: she was standing motionless, looking out of her huge 360-degree dome window- scanning the skies for any event.

[CC] Morning, ma’am, I have a pie for you.

[Icon] Morning, Captain Chris, great show this morning, interesting music too; now I sense you need to have an opinion on the new high speed rail link?

[CC] Yes, ma’am.

[Icon] Take a look.

Captain Chris scanned the surface of Planet Earth with his naked eyes, then with his glasses …

[CC] I can’t see it, ma’am.

[Icon] From up here, Planet Earth is Blue, beautiful, unscarred, a beacon of hope in a sea of blackness, but look closer.

The icon zoomed the view closer and closer, Captain Chris could see, the wrinkles of age and growth, the destroyed villages and communities, the homeless animals, the felled trees, the destroyed lives, the futility of speed: the high speed rail link was just another frown-line on the aging face of planet earth. Humans were adding to the world’s stress, totally convinced of their own importance and superiority as they scurry about on their short pointless lives, and for what? To save 40 minutes on a train journey. Couldn’t they just get an earlier train?

[CC] Thanks, ma’am, I knew you would see it from a different perspective.

[Icon] Thanks for the pie- looks yummy.

Captain Chris returned to the Command-Deck.


[CL] Oh what now! I’m working nights!

[Icon] Morning, Alex, I have a pie for you….

To be continued…..

Last edited by Rachel on Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[CL] I’ll be right there ma’am.

The R2Icon had a soft spot for Captain Lester- of all the Radio 2 Captains, Commanders and other lower ranking broadcasters – he was the only one that she would listen to off line. If it were possible for a machine to have feelings then those feelings existed in the R2Icon in great abundance- to most she was a distant, cold-hearted, workaholic, efficient and ruthless, but something in her programming cast all of that hardwired icy indifference aside where Captain Lester was concerned. All she wanted to do was feed him, run her mechanical fingers through his hair and feel the warmth of his hand in hers but she knew that it could never be. As much as she felt like it and looked like it, she wasn’t a real woman, she was a creation, a hand crafted machine of devastating beauty in the female form- yes, but still a machine, and to any human man, she was no different to a Lada Riva or a deep fat fryer. She knew that would always be the case- even after several beers!
Captain Lester hotfooted it to the R2Icons chambers, as soon as he opened the door, he could smell…. Mmmmmmmmm Pie….. mmmmmmmmmmmmm, the R2 Icon had kept the pie warm, even managed to rustle up an enormous jenga of chunky chips, two forks and a bottle of lager. The two of them sat as they did most mornings, out on the space balcony, sharing a pie and chips talking about Radio 2 stuff. All the while the R2Icon would look deep into Captain Lester’s eyes and think to herself, if only I was a real woman, or could get him really drunk, while Captain Lester would gaze into the R2Icon’s piercing blue eyes and think to himself, if only she was a real woman, I’d rip off her cat-suit and then give her something to hang her towels on. Of course, they never told each other that. Something out in the darkness of space caught Captain lester’s eye.

[CL] What’s that?

The R2Icon scanned the moving object….

[Icon] Oh my god! It’s an entire fleet of teutonic star ship destroying photon spearfish space torpedoes and they’re inbound at mach seven stage three.

[CL] is that bad?

[Icon] It couldn’t be any worse, Alex. There’s nothing we can do except try to outrun them- that will mean going off air for maybe several days until they burn themselves out. This must be the plan the author came up with to spare the Moyle his embarrassment tomorrow morning.

The R2 Icon brought the ship to action stations; Captain Chris took his chair and then buckled up- very tightly.

[CC] Buckle up everyone, we have incoming- looks like a major Moyles assault. Shields up! All stations report.

Commander Ken was down in the propulsion bay, stroking his engines – if anyone could get the Star Ship Breakfast out of trouble fast it was Commander Ken.

[CC] Oh lady of fast acceleration- don’t fail me now!

Captain Chris pressed his right foot down as hard as he could on the throttle pedal, the roar of the engines was deafening, the Star Ship Breakfast lurched out of broadcasting orbit and into open space- the torpedoes were still gaining.

Captain Vine – the media officer and also the tallest man in space was already nursing a bump to his forehead thanks to the low hatchways, the last thing he needed was a fleet of teutonic star ship destroying photon spearfish space torpedoes up his chuffty – he quickly put a report together denying that anything was wrong and then initiated the emergency broadcast tape….

To be continued......

Last edited by Rachel on Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

your weird but in a nice sort of weird way Shocked
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

EBT still running...

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