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Joke - we don't get many on here these days

 
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Minx



Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 4088
Location: France/Spain/Peterborough/Tenerife

PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:22 pm    Post subject: Joke - we don't get many on here these days Reply with quote

A soldier is issued with a new weapon. The instructor tells him that it's the real deal, state of the art handgun.

"All you do, is point it at the enemy, fire and at the same time say "bangety- bang."

So the soldier tries it out, points it out at the first enemy soldier he sees and says "bangety-bang." Sure enough the soldier falls down. So he happily proceeds on his way, 'killing' the enemy with his "bangety bang" until he eventually meets one who doesn't fall down. In fact this soldier just keeps on going, knocks him off his feet, walks all over him and is about to carry on.

So the soldier runs after him and says, "you're supposed to lie down when I go bangety-bang."

And the other soldier replies "tankety-tank."
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To err is human, to forgive - canine.
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very amusing Laughing

I don't suppose it was the same soldier who was marching through the desert with his squad mate when they became detatched from their platoon and became lost

After 3 days of walking round in circles and being desperate for food and water the soldier and his mate began to walk towards what looked like an oasis and as they got nearer the soldier told his mate that he thought he could see a tree up ahead with lots of streaks of bacon growing on it

His mate told him not to be silly but undeterred the soldier said he was going to go ahead to investigate as he was so hungry

When his mate finally caught up with him he found the soldier lying under the tree slowly dying and asked the soldier what had happened and why he thought he was ever going to find a bacon tree in the middle of the desert

With his dying breath the soldier muttered to his mate ' Sorry I got it wrong, the bacon tree was simply an illusion, it was actually an 'ambush'
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MadeinSurrey



Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 3130
Location: The Beautiful South

PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Rolling Eyes I miss Ron's jokes Sad
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littlepieces



Joined: 10 Jan 2010
Posts: 1098
Location: Lowestoft

PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was stopped by a woman on the street she asked me what i knew about dwarfs very little i said
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5730

PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2015 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not meant as a joke but this made me laugh when I saw it this morning..

"God Wants You to Buy Me a Private Jet"

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Creflo Dollar has never been shy about asking for money from his devoted flock.

This time, though, the Atlanta-based preacher with a worldwide ministry is reaching for the sky.

Here is his appeal on the World Changers Church, International website where he blatantly asks for donations for a top of line jumbo jet for his private use:

“We are asking members, partners, and supporters of this ministry to assist in the undertaking of an initiative called Project G650. The mission of Project G650 is to acquire a Gulfstream G650 airplane so that Pastors Creflo and Taffi and World Changers Church International can continue to blanket the globe with the Gospel of grace. We are believing for 200,000 people to give contributions of 300 US dollars or more to turn this dream into a reality—and allow us to retire the aircraft that served us well for many years.”


http://latest.com/2015/03/atlanta-pastor-to-his-flock-god-wants-you-to-buy-me-a-private-jet/

I wonder if he will get his wish?
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK - a question for you

What's the definition of an agnostic dislexic insomniac?

Answer - a person who lies awake all night wondering whether there's a dog Smile
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Fog on the Tyne



Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 957

PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2015 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman:
"Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
............................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a
favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue
made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue
of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone
yer daft beggar!"
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
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FleetingEileenM



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 4968
Location: Hampshire

PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chic Murray looks for digs very late at night. He knocks on the door of a boarding house and eventually an upstairs window opens:

Landlady: What do you want?
Chic: I want to stay here.
Landlady: Well stay there then.

Shuts window and goes back to bed.
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Helen May



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 18069
Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great Eileen!

H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!

I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005
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Cherskiy



Joined: 08 Dec 2006
Posts: 3699
Location: near Amble, Northumberland

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 2:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe, Jock that's nice of ye - are you taking me tae the pub with ye?

"Nay," Jock replied ... "I'm turning the heat off while I'm oot."
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Cherskiy

You call *that* low?

Say hello to me at: http://www.myspace.com/cherskiy
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5730

PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 2:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy

Seasonal humour...

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Helen May



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 18069
Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL Becky

Typical of a Scot Cherskiy Wink

H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!

I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


Shocked Laughing
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Helen May



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
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Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love that Becky!

H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!

I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5730

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From Twitter...

"ere, mate, want any lettuce?"



Very Happy
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
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Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There must be loads of dodgy fruit and veg themed jokes about right now after today's revelations - yours Becky is really just the tip of the iceberg Smile
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ruddlescat wrote:
There must be loads of dodgy fruit and veg themed jokes about right now after today's revelations - yours Becky is really just the tip of the iceberg Smile

Very Happy

That romaine(s) to be seen,ruddles.. Wink
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FleetingEileenM



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 4968
Location: Hampshire

PostPosted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was a little gem, Becky!
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5730

PostPosted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FleetingEileenM wrote:
That was a little gem, Becky!

Laughing
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FleetingEileenM



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 4968
Location: Hampshire

PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 10:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Told by Ken Bruce on the latest Friday Night Is Music Night about songs and singers who helped us to get through WW2:

"Ken Dodd knew when the Falklands War was about to start because when he walked past Vera Lynn's house he heard her gargling."

Laughing
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Helen May



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 18069
Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy

H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!

I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005
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becky sharp



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing

Good one, Eileen.
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2017 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote



Prince Philip has today (yesterday)relinquished his public duties due to his long service and old age.

However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment.

“He’s able to walk, talk and use his hands, that’s a hell of a lot more than most of the scrounging malingerers we approve.” Said a spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions.

The Duke of Edinburgh is expected to start an upaid work placement as a check out assistant in Greggs, after he steps down from his current role in

http://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/05/04/prince-philip-deemed-fit-to-work-after-atos-work-capability-assessment/

Laughing
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5730

PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 12:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bring your child to work day..




Very Happy

(Courtesy of Matt Chorley on Twitter)
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FleetingEileenM



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 4968
Location: Hampshire

PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Les Dawson on "The Good Old Days" tonight.

"I was suffering from an excess of wind, so I went to the doctor. He gave me a kite"
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arrest that man for telling old jokes Laughing - Oh sorry - do they have any police in Heaven Smile
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becky sharp



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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 12:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seen on Twitter..



Laughing

Wonder what Deidre's advice was?
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Helen May



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
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Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wonder too!!!

H
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I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005
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