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Rating Wars IV - A Chris Miss Carol

 
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Rachel
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:56 pm    Post subject: Rating Wars IV - A Chris Miss Carol Reply with quote

Oh yes it is! . It's here!

The last film in the much acclaimed Rating Wars Trilogy


Rating Wars IV - A Chris Miss Carol.


Join Captain Chris and his merry team on the night before Christmas in this thrilling Sci-fi/comedy adaptation of the Dickens Classic.

She’s back!!- the Return of the R2Icon and she ain’t dressed as Santa Claus. Don't miss it!

Daily Mail- “It’s a Christmas Gift”

Robbie Coltrane “ It’s a Real Cracker”

Frank Carson “ hey that was my line”

Tatler Magazine “ It has Real Presents”

News of the World “ The funniest movie of all time but we don’t understand it”

Bob Shennan “ it could be the end of my career”

Alex Lester “Oh no, please tell me I’m not in it” ... Oh yes. Smile

OED “ The spelling and grammar is atrocious”


Last edited by Rachel on Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:48 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The R2Icon was dead, well: as good as, or maybe even worse than being dead. Everyone knows that. Captain Chris knows it: everyone at Radio 2 knows it. Captain Chris had filled in and signed the report of her demise himself, it was countersigned and witnessed by lots of important people, not that that matters, because Captain Chris’ signature on a document is as good as any that may be offered. Captain Chris had attended the Remembrance Ceremony for the R2Icon, put flowers in the R2Icon Remembrance Garden- she is dead, as dead as anything that has absolutely no life in it at all, in transistor radio terms, she is as dead as a market stall battery. Well, the R2Icon is actually drifting onboard the helpless wreck of an old broadcasting starship for all eternity somewhere up there amongst the stars. If you were to ask anyone of a religious bent what drifting for all eternity up there amongst the stars means – they would say, that’s what being dead is- yet apparently, that’s what religious people are hoping to achieve. So just to be sure and to get back to the original point, so there is no doubt in your mind at all, the R2Icon was dead.

The R2Icon and Captain Chris had been broadcasting partners for more years than anyone could remember, or even wanted to- they were inseparable and also completely interchangeable in thought and deed. So when the R2Icon was lost in space, Captain Chris carried on as if nothing had happened. Captain Chris was cold to the bone – no winter chill could cool him, no summer breeze could warm him- he was as cold as ice. A heartless misery. Blind beggars’ dogs wouldn’t bother even raising an eyebrow as he left Broadcasting House each day, but what did Captain Chris care, it was the very thing he liked the most, to breeze through the crowded paths of misery, to warn all of human sympathy to keep away.

This story starts on Christmas Eve, towards the end of the All Request Christmas Carol, Christmas Eve Road Show…….

To be continued....
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Part 1 -The R2Icon- can it really be her?

Captain Chris was sitting at his mobile broadcasting station, in the part known as, the sharp end, where he was admiring pictures of his vast fleet of Ferraris whilst cueing the final Christmas Carol of the Show . He kept the door open, so that he could see his long-suffering assistant – Cabin Boy Jonny, to make sure that he didn’t leave his post for even the tiniest of nano-seconds. Captain Chris had a small electric fan heater under his desk but Jonny, out in the old hole-ridden canvas-annex had to extract any warmth he could gather from the recently discarded plastic coffee cup belonging to Captain Chris. He would huddle around the barely tepid receptacles, extracting every last morsel of warmth that Captain Chris had left in the plastic waste products of his caffeine addiction, though no thermometer on earth would detect even a single degree if it were to be employed on such a pointless venture.
Captain Chris closed the microphone for the last time. He turned then said to his team, “Bah, I hate these ridiculous carols, Humbug!”
“Merry Christmas, Captain Chris”, said Commander Sally. “What right do you have to be merry?” asked Captain Chris. “What right do you have to be miserable?” replied Commander Sally and then continued, “how much should I put you down for, for this year's donation to Children in Need?” “Nothing”, said Captain Chris. “Anyone going around with Merry Christmas on their lips should be stuffed and roasted with their own Turkey then carved and fed to the poor- that is my donation”, said Captain Chris. Commander Sally, repeated, “Merry Christmas then, I’ll be on my way”. “Good day to you ma’am” said Captain Chris.

Cabin Boy Jonny, crept as carefully as he could into, the sharp end, his throat dry with fear, for he knew his next question would be met with a frosty reception. “Captain Chris, sir” said Jonny, “you know it’s Christmas Day tomorrow, sir?” “Bah- humbug!- Christmas-Shmishmas- what is the point of Christmas?” “Well sir, it’s a day of celebration”. “ There’s nothing to celebrate about Christmas, Jonny, a year older and not a Ferrari richer, what is to celebrate about that?” said Captain Chris.
“Well, sir”, Jonny continued, “we’re having everyone round for dinner and presents and dressing up games, perhaps you would like to come, sir”? “Am I to suppose you would like half a day off, Jonny?”, asked Captain Chris. “I was rather hoping for the entire day, sir- it is Christmas after all”, said Jonny. “The entire day!”, said Captain Chris, “oh very well, but be in all the earlier the following day”. With that, Captain Chris, left the sharp end, leaving a shivering Jonny to lock up.

Captain Chris stepped over the sick and the needy, all of whom were strewn across the pavement like poppy seeds in a field, before getting into his waiting, fly by wire super-jet-car. It was cold, it was foggy, the freezing air hung like a wet windsock on a windless day. Captain Chris was glad, if it were possible for him to be glad of anything, to be out of the grizzly murky-midden, that is everyday life, for everyone else, he looked down at the prancing horse in the middle of his control column but instead of a prancing horse he could see the beautiful but cold and heartless face of the R2Icon, his former broadcasting partner. The R2Icon’s face seemed to call his name, Christophe-Lammy-Pie , the face seemed to say. Captain Chris looked away, then looked back – the prancing horse had returned, he shook his head, fired up the thrusters, then picked his way through the minefield of the poor on his way home.

Captain Chris arrived at his underground bunker, parked his super-jet-car in the super-jet-car-parking area hovering just above his home. He stopped outside his door to take out his keys- the doorknocker, normally a large prancing horse, which was a gift from Ferrari years earlier, upon which they had inscribed the team orders “Fernando is Faster than You!” slowly morphed into the beautiful face of the R2Icon, then back into the prancing horse. Once again the R2Icon’s face had said, Christophe-Lammy-Pie, Captain Chris shook his head again, thinking that his tasty-snack of earlier in the day, something that the unknown chef had left in the sharp end from the night before, didn’t entirely agree with his normally cast-iron constitution. He carried on to his cold and dark study- darkness came cheap, Captain Chris enjoyed not paying for electricity when instead he could fumble around in the dark. A deafening sound squeezed the stench of misery out of Captain Chris’ study – then a flash of bright light- knocked Captain Chris to the floor. When he stood up, there, on the burnt rug in front of him, was a small, about the size of a tennis ball, smouldering meteorite. Before Captain Chris could touch it, the meteorite started to open, inside there was a shiny metallic mechanism, on the front of which, a small red button with the words, press to play your message. Oh gosh, it’s an intergalactic holographic telegram, thought Captain Chris. Captain Chris pressed the button- he couldn’t believe his eyes….



It was the R2Icon.... as large as life.

To be continued…..


Last edited by Rachel on Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The holographic image of the R2Icon stood up and then faced directly towards Captain Chris, almost as if she were really there in the room with him, she looked happy enough, for someone who was not only a four hundred year old cybernetic organism but also, a certified dead one at that. She then walked around surveying various aspects of the room before saying, “well, you’ve let yourself go it little, my old broadcasting partner, beer belly, unshaven, high cholesterol, varicose veins, and oh, before I forget, thank you for your heartfelt speech at my Remembrance Ceremony- I was so touched”. “I didn’t say anything”, said Captain Chris, “I went only to ensure that I would take full possession of your fleet of Ferraris, a fair exchange for a bunch of forecourt flowers”. “ I know that”, said the R2Icon, “I would have done exactly the same in your shoes: after all, what is life without a Ferrari or twenty?” “Exactly”, said Captain Chris. “Exactly wrong”, said the R2Icon. “Oh you’re just a dream- go away- shouldn’t you be covered in chains or something, I’ve read the book, I know how this works, leave me alone- you’re not really here, you’re just a piece of yesterday’s sausage interfering with my mind, you’re dead!” said Captain Chris. “Not at all”, said the R2Icon, I’m perfectly alive, and here to do for you, what you didn’t do for me. You see, I know your destiny, I know what happens to you in the future but it’s not too late, so I’m here to rescue you from that future…yes rescue, a word which was used many times at Radio 2 Board Meetings in regard to my plight but a word that you never acted upon- yes, I could have been rescued but you chose to let me drift off into space for all eternity. Do you know how quickly a Cybernetic megga-genius like me can complete the Times Crossword, which, incidentally was the only entertainment I had on board after the rest of you sped off in the shuttle without a thought for me, I was bored rigid after just three minutes, drifting helplessly in space- there is nothing there- nothing but cold and endless darkness- it’s not at all like it is in the sci-fi movies, I took to reading the instructions on the in-flight sick-bags, over and over and over again, just to kill the boredom but yet it continues; endless though my torture is, it is nothing when compared to what awaits you when you reach your destiny”. “What is to become of me?” asked Captain Chris. “It is too horrible for words- I cannot tell you”, said the R2Icon “but having been drifting up there with spirits for so long, several of them have become close friends, so I’ve arranged by way of, well, let’s call it a favour to you from me, for three of them to visit you tonight, they will show you your destiny, and perhaps persuade you to rescue yourself, for only you can do that now”. With those words the hologram started to fade… “Come back”, said Captain Chris, “you still owe me a tenner, no, what am I saying, I mean, how do I save myself?” The R2Icon still fading, said, “the first spirit will be with you at midnight”, and as quickly as she had arrived, the R2Icon was gone, the room fell into darkness once again….

To be continued…


Last edited by Rachel on Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Chris was worried for the first time he could ever remember. I’ll sleep down here tonight, on the sofa; I’m not well, he thought as he fumbled around in the dark bashing his knees and elbows on the furniture. He didn’t mind though, because the physical pain of pain was entirely more satisfactory and desirable to the fiscal pain of paying for electricity. Perhaps night-vision goggles are the answer he mused to himself. He settled down on the sofa with his duvet and a brilliant idea- if I can just stay awake, perhaps the spirits wouldn’t come he thought.

Later… the town clock in the distance, the only means by which Captain Chris could alert himself to the time, struck twelve….after the twelfth bonggggggggggggggg! .No spirit appeared. I knew it, thought Captain Chris, it was just a dream. But then flashing lights and voices from his bathroom. “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Quiet! Shush, Ouch! Look we’re supposed to be scary!” Woooooooooo! That’s better! Yeah keep going with the woooooooooo, that works”. Captain Chris crept his way to the bathroom and then he slowly opened the door. He was agog at what he could see before him.

It was his old buddies, Zig and Zag!!!

[CC] What are you two doing here in my bathroom?
[Zig] We’re the spirit of broadcasting past- woooooooooooo! Did we scare you?”
[Zag] Woooooo, did we did we did we, did we?
[CC] Oh come on! Who is writing this stuff? You two are the spirit of broadcasting past?
[Zig] Yep that’s us- wooooooooooo, oh hang, we’ve got some sound effects of some rattling chains- play the tape Zag.

Rattle rattle chink chink rattle….

[Zig Zag] wooooooooooooooooooooo!

[CC] Why couldn’t we have Gaby or anyone really but not you two! You’re not even real spirits!

[Zig] yeah but we are aliens – which is close enough for this movie. The R2Icon did try for someone , you know, a real broadcaster but we had her over a barrel, so we got the gig. You see we met her..
[Zag] Well more bumped into really.
[Zig] …ok then bumped into her, out in the third quadrant of sector nine- we were on our way back from a stag do back home on Zog…. And well, we saw the Star Ship Breakfast, recognised the tail number, and so popped in for coffee.
[Zag] the place was empty and freezing
[Zig] and dark.
[zag] you’d like it!
[Zig] The R2Icon was pleased to see us though, so pleased she gave us this gig as long as we promised to deliver her intergalactic holographic telegram thing …
[CC] Why didn’t you just bring her back?
[Zig] She’s way too big for our little two-seater.
[CC] So what’s the deal?
[Zig] Ah yeah… back to the script… wooooooooooooooooooo step into the bath with us- we’re going to take you on a journey…. Wooooooooooo!

Captain Chris stepped into the bath then sat down, next to Zig and Zag. Zig turned the hot tap- the lights faded. Zag played the sound-effects tape… a sort of whooshing sound ……..

[Zig] red leader, red leader, this is red five, we're going in...... wooooooooo!

the lights came back up…

[CC] OMG! We’re in the……….

To be continued….
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[CC]…. middle lane of the westbound M40… and there’s a truck coming! Arrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh.

The truck passed straight through them as if they weren’t even there.

[Zig] hahahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaaa!…Did we scare you?
[Zag] yeah we did, look he’s gone white- we’ve got him on the ropes folks… so much better than a wooooooooooooo…
[Zig] We never really went with the woooooooooooo did we?

The traffic was passing straight through Captain Chris- the noise and wind was immense. He was terrified.

[Zig] Ok that’s enough of that….let’s get on with the gig
[Zag] yeah the gig.

Zig turned the cold tap – in an instant, all three of them, still in the bath, were drifting down the river of Captain Chris’ memories. The milestones between the madness, the stepping-stones upon which lives are built, dotting back and forth across the river like footprints in the sand.

[CC] Look! That’s where I was born, and oh look my first school-wow…. can we go in?
[Zig] no- we’re not interested in those bits… ah here we are!!

The bath steamed into the main Corridor of Broadcasting House – Management Level.

[CC] Look! That’s me, on a skateboard, I was so young..
[Zig] and thin
[Zag] and with hair- same glasses though..
[Zig] yeah… should’ve gone to spec savers
[CC] That’s Mathew Bannister with a pitchfork- I didn’t know he used to chase me down the corridor with a pitchfork.
[Zig] Oh there’s lots of stuff you didn’t know… Look here- this is that show you did when you just talked- no music at all..
[CC] Play some music you idiot- what are you thinking; it’s a music show…
[Zag] yeah CAROL wasn’t happy at all
[CC] Carol? Who was Carol?
[Zig] Wrong question.
[Zag] yeah not the right question at all.
[Zig] Not who……
[CC] What then?
[Zig] Now we’re cooking on gas
[Zag] Yeah North Sea Gas- good stuff.
[Zig] CAROL is a Machine.

[CC] Oh not another machine. What sort of Machine is Carol?

[Zig] CAROL is the Continuous Audience Response Opinion Level. There’s only three levels.
[CC] What are they?

[Zag] Hit, Miss, or Maybe.

[CC] I don’t understand.

[Zig] Oh you will.

The bath continued into more choppy, faster flowing waters – it was becoming quite a white-knuckle ride- soon they were going faster and faster and faster- the events at Radio 1 were just a blur, the corridor was whooshing past. Then in an instant they were still. Calm waters.

[CC] What’s that noise?
[Zig] Oh it’s just a massive waterfall.
[CC] A waterfall!!!! How far?
[Zig] all the way
[Zag] Yeah all the way to the bottom.
[Zig] Just like Snakes and Ladders.

The bathtub picked up a little speed then tumbled over the top. Captain Chris was screaming. “This is worse than the M40!” said Captain Chris. But just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse- they would surely hit the bottom soon, a huge Richard Branson head emerged from the murky depths.
[CC] Jeeeee’s Does that guy never get any older?!

The enormous Richard Branson opened his mouth; the bathtub fell helplessly into the gullet of the giant gastropod – then darkness.

Captain Chris woke up on his Sofa….the Town clock struck one… Bonggggggggggg!

To be continued….
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blimey, thought Captain Chris- this is relentless- what next – just then, he noticed a set of lift doors had appeared in the wall of his study…
Ding.. and a large up arrow, the doors swished open – a brilliant white light emanated from the lift, Captain Chris stood up.

[CC] Do I just get in the lift? I’m a little wary of getting in things after that last trip. Is there a spirit in there?

“Is it me”, said Captain Wogan. “Yes” said the narrator, “you’re on?” then poked him with a cattle prod.

Captain Wogan exited the lift pushing a large dinner trolley piled high with food, edible goodies and light snacks.

[CW] Hello Captain Chris, I’m the spirit of Broadcasting Present- care for a sausage my old mate?
[CC] errr I’ll leave it thanks- what’s the deal here? You’re not a spirit.
[CW] No, but I have spirit- and that’s what’s important. The deal is- we, that’s you and I , and the listener, get in the lift.
[CC] and what then, what if I don’t?
[CW] Ah, well we’ve covered that eventuality with the script- which goes like this.

Captain Chris, like a small frightened child, took hold of Captain Wogan’s hand and then together, they entered the lift.

[CC] are we going up or down?

[CW] up, up and away..
The lift doors closed, the lift accelerated so quickly that, Captain Chris was squashed onto the floor- although Captain Wogan- just stood there unaffected. The lift came to a halt- the doors opened. They were on a small lawn at the bottom of a garden. Just in front of them, stood a small, dilapidated, careworn shed.

[CC] Why and here?
[CW] Take a look.

Inside the shed was Cabin Boy Jonny- toasting a slice of stale bread over a small stove.

[CC] Cabin Boy Jonny lives here?

[CW] Yeah, we don’t all have a bunker.

Poor Cabin Boy Jonny was nursing his favourite toy- Tiny Ted. Jonny always wanted a bigger teddy but with the space constraints of his shed taken up almost entirely with his own physical size and his complete set of the Sylvainian Families and accessories, there was little room for any luxury. Tiny Ted, had a small tear in one leg – some of the stuffing had fallen out – the expression on his face was one of real pain, although with the meagre decorations and small Christmas Tree Jonny had put up in the corner- Tiny Ted managed to smile through the pain. The sparrow Jonny was roasting for Christmas Dinner would barely be enough to feed them all but they seemed happy enough….

[CW] Back to the lift.
[CC] Is that it?
[CW] No no that’s not it- that’s just a key in point in the multi-layered storyline. Now we have some real spirit of broadcasting business to get on with.

They re-entered the lift and again the lift accelerated quickly upwards- Ding!

[CW] Ah, here we are.
[CC] There’s nothing here.
[CW] Patients dear boy, let me put the lights on.

Captain Wogan clapped his hands. The lights came on one after another into the distance as far as the eye could see and beyond. Captain Wogan and Captain Chris were stood in front of a huge 3-dimentionl matrix of radio shows floating in space. It was like a giant 3D version of Celebrity Squares but in all directions. The footpath below Captain Chris was transparent, with outer space above ,below and to both sides, it didn’t seem to concern Captain Wogan though, who, just walked, casually, pushing his food trolley, taking the odd bite sized nibble as he walked.
[CC] What’s this place?
[CW] this is not a place- it’s a simultaneous matrix of events stretched out over all time.
[CC] what events.

[CW] if you look into each of the boxes, you will see an individual event: the matrix is full of Breakfast Radio Shows- every breakfast radio show that ever was or ever will be is on display in the matrix - each show in its own box.

[CC] Blimey! That’s a lot of shows.

[CW] What do you notice about the matrix?

[CC] It’s big and confusing and I don’t understand what’s going on.

[CW] Exactly! You don’t understand it. As we wander along and through the matrix, you’ll notice gaps- boxes with nothing in them. They can never be filled, that space is empty forever- like a warehouse that is built but never used- standing empty and abandoned- a cold dark place steeped in the misery of unutilised purpose for all time.

[CC] What has that got to do with me?
[CW] take a look at this box- it has your name on it
[CC] It’s empty.
[CW] Yes, that was an unplanned Friday Off in the 90s, or take a look at this box- also has your name on it.
[CC] It’s empty.
[CW] yes that was your show in a hot-tub and this empty box- a show in a field- the list goes on- look at all these empty boxes – your shows, not all of your shows just the bad ones. The Matrix is becoming unstable. CAROL isn’t happy.
[CC] But I was there for the show in a hot-tub and the show in a field.
[CW] Being there is only half the job, if CAROL doesn’t like it, it’s like you didn’t turn up at all- the Matrix get a hole.
[CC] So what happens if the Matrix gets too many holes?
[CW] I can’t tell you that- that’s something for the spirit of broadcasting yet to come. Come on back to the lift.

Captain Chris and Captain Wogan entered the lift for a third time. This time the lift accelerated sharply downwards, Captain Chris was glued to the roof of the lift –the decent continued down, down, deeper and down- then suddenly stopped. The inertia fired Captain Chris through the bottom of the lift, through the ceiling of his study- he landed with a thump on his sofa- just as the Town Clock Struck Two……

To be continued…
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Over in the corner of Captain Chris’ Study, stood silently in the darkness, was a tall shadowy figure. Captain Chris stood up then dusted himself off. The tall shadowy figure moved slowly and gracefully, almost floating, as it came towards him.

[CC] Blimey! You’re tall for a Spirit- I thought they were all shorts; are you the third Spirit?
The tall shadowy figure said nothing but Captain Chris was certain that there was a perceptible nod in answer to his question. The tall shadowy figure held out a thin lifeless hand.

[CC] You are the Spirit of broadcasting yet to come?

Another perceptible nod from the tall faceless shadowy figure, confirmed Captain Chris’ worst fears.

[CC] You are the spirit I fear the most. Who are you?

The Spirit held out his hand once more. This time the moonlight glinted on the spirit’s hand with its long bony fingers becoming evident to Captain Chris.

[CC] You’re Jeremy Vine with a blanket over your head!

The Spirit shook his head, then pointed to another lift-door, marked “Fate”

[CC] You want me to get in the lift?

The Spirit nodded. Captain Chris and the spirit entered the lift- the doors closed behind them. Captain Chris, facing the doors, held tightly onto the handrail, anticipating another lift ride from hell. The spirit pushed the button, the doors on the other side of the lift immediately opened. I hate it when that happens thought Captain Chris, you look like a right prawn, facing the wrong way- who would have though of lifts with doors on both sides?

[CC] Oh – well that was better than the last lift ride. Oh we’ve been here before- this is Cabin Boy Jonny’s house, err, shed…… erm , you want me to have a look. I’m getting used to this.

The Spirit nodded.

[CC] you don’t say much do you?

Captain Chris went over to look through the window of Cabin Boy Jonny’s shed. He gasped! There was poor Cabin Boy Jonny, dressed in black, distraught, weeping like a willow. Poor Tiny Ted had been attacked by the Sylvanian Families – they’d knocked all the stuffing out of him and then used it to build a nest- he was a lifeless rag. Captain Chris watched as Tiny Ted was placed in an old shoe box, then cast onto the stove- what made this scene of tenderness all the more heartrending was that Cabin Boy Jonny had no choice but to toast his lunch- another stale slice of bread, on the flames of Tiny Ted’s cremation, which would be the last warmth and comfort Cabin Boy Jonny drew from his only childhood friend.

[CC] Why do you show me this, spirit? What can I do to prevent this?

The Spirit clicked his fingers; the dust of decay fell from them as he pointed to an open Argos Catalogue on the lawn – page nine hundred and twenty seven. “Tiny Teddy Bear House – complete with home security system and rodent repellent coating. Keeps your Teddy Bears safe from other toys! £17.99!

[CC] You mean all I had to do was spend a measly £17.99 and Tiny Ted could have survived?

The Spirit ushered Captain Chris back to the lift…..

[CC] I have a nasty feeling; I know where we are going next…

To be continued…..
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Chris followed the spirit into the lift, he was thinking, well this is it, this is where I get to meet my destiny, I wonder what sort of Gravestone they got for me. The lift doors closed: immediately, as before, the doors on the other side of the lift, opened. Captain Chris followed the spirit out…..

[CC] Hang on, this is not where we went before- this is not that big matrix place- what are we doing here?

The spirit shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head from side as if to say, I wasn’t expecting this either, I’m not really sure where the author is going with this.

They were in the entrance lobby of a large organisation, possibly medical. The spirit had a call on his mobile, there was lots of nodding, and, oh I see type body language going on, though no words spoken.

The spirit, pointed his bony finger to a door marked CAROL.

[CC] Ah, so I get to meet Carol at long last. This should be good.

They opened the door marked CAROL, inside there was a medical atmosphere, and heavy disinfected overly warm air with just the dimmest of light. They moved along the corridor, suddenly a voice from above. “Welcome to CAROL, I’m the Head Nanobot, I’ll be your guide for this tour”. Nanobots are so tiny, you cannot see them with the naked eye but they do have a very loud voice, which makes them ideal for use as PA systems. They just sit right there on your shoulder talking into your ear- like a voice inside your head. “And on your right is the R2OK Message Board input to CAROL, in fact it is the main input to CAROL now that R2’s own Message Board has been deactivated. Captain Chris opened the door marked R2OK, inside there was rows of beds each with a person on. The people were asleep, zillions of tubes and cables connected each of the people to a central hub marked C.A.R.O.L.

[CC] What is this place?

[NB] This is your lifeblood. These people live in suspended animation their bodies are maintained by the Nanobots, their minds are subjected to Radio 2, 24/7. They have no knowledge of their situation, the Nanobots see to it that the “listeners” think that they are leading a normal life but all the while they are in here listening to and giving an opinion on Radio 2 programmes- it’s all down to the software program- their individual response to each Radio 2 Show is fed into the central processing unit where they are consolidated into one of three levels. Hit , Miss or Maybe, that output is then stored in the Matrix. The Matrix maintains a simultaneous record of all Radio Shows over all time. All future Radio Shows start out with a HIT record, it’s only when real-time catches up with the real event that CAROL comes into play, the show remains a Hit if it is or becomes a Maybe or worse becomes a Miss. So for example, one of your shows that scored a miss would be known as a Chris Miss Carol- the Matrix presents a hole – an empty space effectively. The system doesn’t like empty spaces, they slow everything down and just get in the way of smooth operation, so too many empty spaces spawns the MAD function…

[CC] the what?!

[NB] the MAD function:- the“matrix auto defrag” function- everyone knows that!

[CC] What’s that?

[NB] It’s a bit like a hard disc defragmentation facility but with a difference. Instead of just moving everything around in the matrix to fill the empty spaces, it deletes everything to do with the cause of the empty spaces including any full spaces of the same subject matter- effectively the MAD function erases you from existence and then reallocates all the new empty space to future radio shows- if CAROL gets MAD for you, it’s like you never existed.

[CC] Oh I see.

The Spirit showed Captain Chris to another door, marked, Exit.
Captain Chris opened the exit door, walked through and into his study. The spirit was gone. Captain Chris thought- well what’s the big deal, I survived that, and do you know what, Spirits, I’m not that worried!

[CC] Do you hear me- I’m not that worried! You can’t scare me!

Next morning Captain Chris woke as usual, it was Christmas Day but that wouldn’t get in the way of making some hard cash. He got dressed made his way to his super-jet-car, then sped off to Broadcasting House. Something was different but Captain Chris couldn’t put his finger on it, he just thought maybe it was quiet because it was Christmas- he parked his super-jet-car then headed for the building. Coming the other way he could see the R2Icon walking towards Broadcasting House.

[CC] Hello Ma’am.
[Icon] Merry Christmas.

The R2Icon walked passed Captain Chris as if he were a stranger.

[CC] Ma’am, it’s me Captain Chris- your favourite Breakfast Show Presenter, how did you get rescued from space?

The R2Icon laughed, took a five pound note from her purse and said…

[CC] Oh this is a new angle … ok look, I know you’ll only spend this on booze but it is Christmas, oh go on then I’ll make it a tenner. Knock yourself out- Merry Christmas!

The R2Icon gave a dishevelled looking Captain Chris a crisp ten-pound note, and then carried on into Broadcasting House. A few moments later a confused Captain Chris followed her in. The security guard on the door, stopped Captain Chris.

[CC] Morning Dave – lovely weather.

[Dave] Merry Christmas! Do I know you, sir?
[CC] Yeah I’m Captain Chris – your favourite Breakfast Show Presenter! I see you every day.
[Dave] Sorry mate, never heard of you.

Dave picked up his walkie-talkie- “Yeah Debs can you send some back-up, we got a major code seven at the main door.”

[Debs] Code seven! What’s that again?
[Dave] Complete loony-tune. (he whispered)
[Debs] Oh yeah I remember. On our way mate.

Captain Chris, realising that he wasn’t going to get in – left the building, and then headed back to his super-jet-car but it was gone. He started to remember his bad dream of the previous night. He rushed to a 24/7 Newsagent, picked up a copy of the Christmas Radio Times, and then he pawed frantically through the Radio 2 listings. He was nowhere to be seen. Christmas Day 07:00-10:00“The Captain Lester Breakfast Show”! He looked at yesterday’s listing. Christmas Eve- 17:00-19:00 All Request Christmas Carols with Captain Lester. That was my show- I was there I did that- he thought to himself. What’s going on? Captain Chris went back to Broadcasting House , he sat down on the pavement just outside the main door hoping someone would come out. He noticed several other people sitting just along from him- they beckoned him over. Captain Chris shuffled along the pavement.

[Mick] Hi I’m Mick, that’s not a great pitch where you were- you get more passers by here- how much you made today? Fancy a swig.

Mick, an unshaven street vagrant, offered Captain Chris a drink from a skanky looking bottle of wine.

It’s funny how people with nothing are always willing to share it, Captain Chris thought.

[CC] No thanks, Mick- I’m Captain Chris – your favourite Breakfast Show Presenter.

[Mick] Don’t ring any bells ….

To be continued…..
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Rachel
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The hours slowly passed, Captain Chris started to realise that no one knew who he was or even cared who he was. No one had heard of him, it was a nightmare. He had no identification- he’d not needed it for years, he had no cash, other than the ten pounds the R2Icon had given him-(they were quits now) no keys-no phone- nothing. He was a homeless vagrant; his event-existence, past and future, had been erased but his actual existence, still in tact. How could he ever come to terms with being one of those people he had previously enjoyed stepping over? He was, a nobody, but worse than that, he was a nobody with nothing. Captain Chris settled down with an old copy of the Times- he leafed through it- Doh- the crossword is already done- he thought. This is worse than the R2Icon's fate- I don’t even have a Times Crossword to fill my endless days on the cold pavement. Just when Captain Chris thought that it couldn’t get any worse- a familiar tall shadowy figure with bony hands appeared in front of him.
[CC] Spirit! You’re here too.

The Spirit said nothing. As the spirit drew closer, he started to take down the hood of his long black cape. Through the murky-midden Captain Chris thought he recognised the spirit. The spirit drew even closer.

[CC] It is you ! It’s Jonathan Ross- Wossy, my old mate- help me!

The Spirit pointed to the ground, the ground-opened up- Captain Chris fell through the cracks in the pavement. Down, down, deeper and down, further he fell- he landed with a thump on the sofa in his study.

The next morning Captain Chris woke as usual at 5am – It’s Christmas Day he thought, yay, I’m alive- I’m at home, I’m warm, I’m wrapped in my favourite duvet!

Captain Chris headed for Broadcasting House……….but was he a changed man?

Tune in to the Chris Evans Breakfast Show – weekdays 7 till 9:30, 88 to 91FM. You decide. Hit, Miss or Maybe?

The movie screen fades out, the theme tune fades in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-8Fxu8TEH0

,the credits roll, the cinema empties.

The end.





(I know it’s a bit early for a Christmas Story but I’m going to be jolly busy all next month and probably well into November, so there it is- a little early- be gentle)


Last edited by Rachel on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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RockitRon



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 7565

PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Enjoyed that.

"You're tall for a spirit... I thought they were all shorts" Laughing

Not a hope in H of a change... the leopard's spots are well and truly indelible.
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Rachel
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Cinema was very nearly empty, the last of the exit comments were starting to fade into the distance,” what a weird ending- there must be a sequel, don’t be daft everyone knows a trilogy has four movies in it, are you sure.. well it’s four or five, maybe it is five, I thought he would have rescued Tiny Ted etc etc"….. there was only you left in there, the lucky one, the Credits came to an end, then, because it was an old fashioned film, there was just a little bit more after the credits…

It was Christmas Day in the studio; Captain Chris’ team were all there looking at their watches. “He’s never been late before,” said the Producer. The movie cuts to Captain Chris, he’s in a small two-seat Deep-Space Rescue Probe, which is just docking with the stricken Starship Breakfast…



Captain Chris rushed into the old Starship Breakfast, there she was, the R2Icon, just sat there reading an in-flight sick-bag.

[Icon] Merry Christmas.


[CC] Merry Christmas, ma’am, wanna a lift home.

A bonus track fades in….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqjEL_bpmFg

The R2Icon in one of her other outfits...


and here she is having a bad day at the office.



Last edited by Rachel on Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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Themanfromuncle



Joined: 15 Sep 2010
Posts: 79
Location: Near The Beach

PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good indeed. Do you write professionally by chance, or is this just a fertile imagination? Wink

Impressive.
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Rachel
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Themanfromuncle wrote:
Very good indeed. Do you write professionally by chance, or is this just a fertile imagination? Wink

Impressive.


Oh thank you! Cool beans! Tis just for fun, and cos I love Radio 2 and of course the Beakfast Show.
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R2Icon



Joined: 10 Sep 2009
Posts: 1444

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When chatting to him ( I say chat, I meam more of a quick hello, hand shake, and peck on the cheek really), I mentioned the Rating Wars stories to Chris Evans yesterday. I don't think he's ever seen them or indeed, heard of this place. I was jolly pleased to meet him but am crest-fallen that he'd not even heard of us.
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

R2Icon wrote:
When chatting to him ( I say chat, I meam more of a quick hello, hand shake, and peck on the cheek really), I mentioned the Rating Wars stories to Chris Evans yesterday. I don't think he's ever seen them or indeed, heard of this place. I was jolly pleased to meet him but am crest-fallen that he'd not even heard of us.


Oh come on Rach - it's no great shock he's never heard of this place because it's a well known fact that the only thing Chris Evans is really interested in is Chris Evans Sad
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ColinB
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rachel wrote:
I love Radio 2 and of course the Beakfast Show.


And whose Beak are we talking about?
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R2Icon



Joined: 10 Sep 2009
Posts: 1444

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ruddlescat wrote:
R2Icon wrote:
When chatting to him ( I say chat, I meam more of a quick hello, hand shake, and peck on the cheek really), I mentioned the Rating Wars stories to Chris Evans yesterday. I don't think he's ever seen them or indeed, heard of this place. I was jolly pleased to meet him but am crest-fallen that he'd not even heard of us.


Oh come on Rach - it's no great shock he's never heard of this place because it's a well known fact that the only thing Chris Evans is really interested in is Chris Evans Sad


That's rubbish, Rudds, Chris had loads of time for everyone who wanted to see/meet him.
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RockitRon



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 7565

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well someone's taking an interest.... 20 "Guests"!!
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

R2Icon wrote:
ruddlescat wrote:
R2Icon wrote:
When chatting to him ( I say chat, I meam more of a quick hello, hand shake, and peck on the cheek really), I mentioned the Rating Wars stories to Chris Evans yesterday. I don't think he's ever seen them or indeed, heard of this place. I was jolly pleased to meet him but am crest-fallen that he'd not even heard of us.


Oh come on Rach - it's no great shock he's never heard of this place because it's a well known fact that the only thing Chris Evans is really interested in is Chris Evans Sad


That's rubbish, Rudds, Chris had loads of time for everyone who wanted to see/meet him.


But you yourself in your previous post Rach said that it was a very cursory meeting which does not surprise me - mind you if you were in a position to get him further shows within the BBC I reckon he would have been all over you like a very bad rash Smile
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R2Icon



Joined: 10 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ruddlescat wrote:
But you yourself in your previous post Rach said that it was a very cursory meeting which does not surprise me - mind you if you were in a position to get him further shows within the BBC I reckon he would have been all over you like a very bad rash Smile


That's very true , Rudds, but the conversation was short because I'm probably the most shy, least talkative person you're ever likely to meet, to the point- people think I'm aloof, rude even. I'm also very nearly deaf in my right ear and my left ear isn't that great. In fact, I'm amazed that I did go to speak to Chris Evans: short though our chat was, it was the longest conversation I had that day with anyone. Indoors- one on one, you can't shut me up. Outdoors or inside a public place, I rarely say anything to anyone. Just the way I'm made. I'm happy in my little world, just listening, while I still can.
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can't you get any kind of medical treatment to help with your hearing problem Rach -or is it something that you just have to live with?

It's a very common problem these days even for comparatively young people - it just seems to me that if they can give you perfect eyesight by laser eye surgery there ought to be something equivalent for correcting hearing problems Confused
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R2Icon



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been having stuff done to my ears since I was five, when I was dumped in Walkergate Childrens' Hospital for two weeks- no one came to see me. No one explained anything and I wasn't allowed to sit on my bed during the day! Anyway, I've had several things done to my ears over the years with some success now and again- I did like my bionic ear implant- that worked quite well for a while, but I've had enough of doctors telling me they can fix it, then weeks later telling me that now and again things don't work but it's sure to work if they try again. I can manage with my 18% right ear and 65% left ear. The last two operations just made things worse. I'm not going to risk it any more.
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