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Minx
Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 4088
Location: France/Spain/Peterborough/Tenerife
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 Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:22 pm Post subject: Joke - we don't get many on here these days |
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A soldier is issued with a new weapon. The instructor tells him that it's the real deal, state of the art handgun.
"All you do, is point it at the enemy, fire and at the same time say "bangety- bang."
So the soldier tries it out, points it out at the first enemy soldier he sees and says "bangety-bang." Sure enough the soldier falls down. So he happily proceeds on his way, 'killing' the enemy with his "bangety bang" until he eventually meets one who doesn't fall down. In fact this soldier just keeps on going, knocks him off his feet, walks all over him and is about to carry on.
So the soldier runs after him and says, "you're supposed to lie down when I go bangety-bang."
And the other soldier replies "tankety-tank."
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Minx
To err is human, to forgive - canine. |
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ruddlescat
Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Very amusing 
I don't suppose it was the same soldier who was marching through the desert with his squad mate when they became detatched from their platoon and became lost
After 3 days of walking round in circles and being desperate for food and water the soldier and his mate began to walk towards what looked like an oasis and as they got nearer the soldier told his mate that he thought he could see a tree up ahead with lots of streaks of bacon growing on it
His mate told him not to be silly but undeterred the soldier said he was going to go ahead to investigate as he was so hungry
When his mate finally caught up with him he found the soldier lying under the tree slowly dying and asked the soldier what had happened and why he thought he was ever going to find a bacon tree in the middle of the desert
With his dying breath the soldier muttered to his mate ' Sorry I got it wrong, the bacon tree was simply an illusion, it was actually an 'ambush'
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MadeinSurrey
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 3130
Location: The Beautiful South
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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 I miss Ron's jokes 
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MiS |
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littlepieces
Joined: 10 Jan 2010
Posts: 1098
Location: Lowestoft
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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I was stopped by a woman on the street she asked me what i knew about dwarfs very little i said
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I found out how you can hurt an insect.It's the bees knees |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2015 9:40 am Post subject: |
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Not meant as a joke but this made me laugh when I saw it this morning..
"God Wants You to Buy Me a Private Jet"
Creflo Dollar has never been shy about asking for money from his devoted flock.
This time, though, the Atlanta-based preacher with a worldwide ministry is reaching for the sky.
Here is his appeal on the World Changers Church, International website where he blatantly asks for donations for a top of line jumbo jet for his private use:
“We are asking members, partners, and supporters of this ministry to assist in the undertaking of an initiative called Project G650. The mission of Project G650 is to acquire a Gulfstream G650 airplane so that Pastors Creflo and Taffi and World Changers Church International can continue to blanket the globe with the Gospel of grace. We are believing for 200,000 people to give contributions of 300 US dollars or more to turn this dream into a reality—and allow us to retire the aircraft that served us well for many years.”
http://latest.com/2015/03/atlanta-pastor-to-his-flock-god-wants-you-to-buy-me-a-private-jet/
I wonder if he will get his wish? |
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ruddlescat
Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester
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| Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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OK - a question for you
What's the definition of an agnostic dislexic insomniac?
Answer - a person who lies awake all night wondering whether there's a dog 
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Fog on the Tyne
Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 1088
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| Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2015 11:37 am Post subject: |
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A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman:
"Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
............................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a
favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue
made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue
of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone
yer daft beggar!"
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The wheel keeps on turning...
This fool made it round. |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 10:12 pm Post subject: |
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FleetingEileenM
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 5707
Location: Hampshire
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| Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:31 am Post subject: |
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Chic Murray looks for digs very late at night. He knocks on the door of a boarding house and eventually an upstairs window opens:
Landlady: What do you want?
Chic: I want to stay here.
Landlady: Well stay there then.
Shuts window and goes back to bed. |
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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Great Eileen!
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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Cherskiy
Joined: 08 Dec 2006
Posts: 3701
Location: near Amble, Northumberland
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe, Jock that's nice of ye - are you taking me tae the pub with ye?
"Nay," Jock replied ... "I'm turning the heat off while I'm oot."
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Author: “To the Ends of the Earth: A Snapshot of Aviation in North-Eastern Siberia, Summer 1992”
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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Seasonal humour...
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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LOL Becky
Typical of a Scot Cherskiy 
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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Love that Becky!
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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From Twitter...
"ere, mate, want any lettuce?"
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ruddlescat
Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester
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| Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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There must be loads of dodgy fruit and veg themed jokes about right now after today's revelations - yours Becky is really just the tip of the iceberg
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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| ruddlescat wrote: | | There must be loads of dodgy fruit and veg themed jokes about right now after today's revelations - yours Becky is really just the tip of the iceberg |
That romaine(s) to be seen,ruddles.. |
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FleetingEileenM
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 5707
Location: Hampshire
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| Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 11:17 am Post subject: |
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| That was a little gem, Becky! |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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| FleetingEileenM wrote: | | That was a little gem, Becky! |
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FleetingEileenM
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 5707
Location: Hampshire
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 10:23 am Post subject: |
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Told by Ken Bruce on the latest Friday Night Is Music Night about songs and singers who helped us to get through WW2:
"Ken Dodd knew when the Falklands War was about to start because when he walked past Vera Lynn's house he heard her gargling."
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:18 am Post subject: |
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H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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Good one, Eileen. |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Fri May 05, 2017 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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Prince Philip has today (yesterday)relinquished his public duties due to his long service and old age.
However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment.
“He’s able to walk, talk and use his hands, that’s a hell of a lot more than most of the scrounging malingerers we approve.” Said a spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions.
The Duke of Edinburgh is expected to start an upaid work placement as a check out assistant in Greggs, after he steps down from his current role in
http://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/05/04/prince-philip-deemed-fit-to-work-after-atos-work-capability-assessment/
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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Bring your child to work day..
(Courtesy of Matt Chorley on Twitter) |
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FleetingEileenM
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 5707
Location: Hampshire
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| Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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Les Dawson on "The Good Old Days" tonight.
"I was suffering from an excess of wind, so I went to the doctor. He gave me a kite" |
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ruddlescat
Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester
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| Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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Arrest that man for telling old jokes - Oh sorry - do they have any police in Heaven
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sun May 05, 2019 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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Seen on Twitter..
Wonder what Deidre's advice was? |
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Sun May 05, 2019 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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I wonder too!!!
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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LOL!!
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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Seen on Twitter...
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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| becky sharp wrote: | Seen on Twitter...
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LOL!
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sat Oct 24, 2020 11:22 am Post subject: |
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Sat Oct 24, 2020 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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It's almost getting to that stage isn't it Becky.
Don't know about you but I totally agree with Maureen (83) from Barnsley (not that I'm anywhere near her age!). I read yesterday that they say staying at home (ie couples) does not stop the virus spreading, only stopping large groups ie schools and universities and clubs etc shut will stop it. I suppose that is why it worked earlier in the year.
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sat Oct 24, 2020 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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| We've all got the information,Helen, (confusing as it is sometimes) so I think we should all do what suits us individually as long as it's within the rules. |
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becky sharp
Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 6739
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| Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2021 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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From a friend's timeline on Facebook.
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Helen May
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 19227
Location: Cheshire
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| Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2021 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Not sure which one made me laugh the most Becky!!!
H
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88 - 91 FM this is Radio 2 from the BBC!
I said it live on air in the studio with Jeremy Vine on 10/3/2005 |
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