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Joke For Today

 
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Lord Evan Elpuss



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 3357
Location: Cloud Cuckoo Land

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:36 am    Post subject: Joke For Today Reply with quote

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a
guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??



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PJ in Kent



Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 1102
Location: Go on, guess!

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant LEE! Laughing Laughing Laughing

Although last time I tried that I only ricked my neck Embarassed
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John W



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 3360
Location: Warwickshire, UK

PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the jokesters here I have found an old thread for jokes, funnily enough ANOTHER joke, above, featuring Tesco Smile

So this thread can be come the regular joke thread for those seeking such entertainment.

There are numerous joke threads in the Coffee Bar and Trivia section. I can't properly merge them on this forum (I can split but can't merge, methinks).

But when I have an idle moment I'll compile them somehow and post them.

John
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RockitRon



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 7565

PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, so I'll put this one here
(Remember, this has been forwarded by a woman)


Sheila's dishwasher stopped working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Mend the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog, Spike. He won't bother you."



"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"



"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Sheila's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with its incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut Up, you stupid, ugly bird"


To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5917

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How to win some Fosters

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
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FleetingEileenM



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 5158
Location: Hampshire

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What did the plumber say to his wife when he told her he wanted a divorce?
A: It's over Flo.
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A NO IDEA!

Q What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
A STILL NO IDEA!
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ruddlescat



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 18010
Location: Near Chester

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q What's the definition of a dislexic agnostic insomniac?

A Someone who lies awake all night wondering whether there's a DOG!
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becky sharp



Joined: 01 Dec 2008
Posts: 5917

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FleetingEileenM wrote:
Q: What did the plumber say to his wife when he told her he wanted a divorce?
A: It's over Flo.
Laughing I love daft jokes.
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