R2OK!

Minx · Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 1:37 pm Post subject: The Staff Christmas Party

Email from HR:

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar, and plenty of drinks. We'll have a small band playing traditional carols.... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is onl for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your families.
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From Pauline, HR Director
To: All employees
Re: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's announcement intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanuka is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy holidays to you and your families.
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From: Pauline, HR Director
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party

REgarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table.... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift excahnge too. No gift exchange now allowed since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10/00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Happy Holidays to you and your families
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From Pauline, HR Director
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, and perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay mens' tables too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest those with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything !?!?!?
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From: Pauline, Human Resources Director
To: All f***** Employees
Re: The f****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian p*****s. I've soooo had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death" as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f******salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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From: John, Acting HR Director
To: All Employees
Re: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wish Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of 23 December off with full pay.
Happy Holiday.
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Minx

To err is human, to forgive - canine.

RockitRon · Joined: 07 Dec 2006 Posts: 7646

Sad. Most companies have gone straight to the end one this year, without the Dec 23 off with full pay, of course.

Office Christmas parties, the dinner/dances at hotels etc. are complete rip-offs (heard the one about the one-and-a-half-sprouts and the £31 bottle of plonk?). I vow every year not to go, always get persuaded at the last minute, and never fail to be disappointed.
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Ron