R2OK!

R2Icon · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 1444

I know. Don’t write in. Smile

History teaches us that even the most truly awful of shows have managed to throw together a Christmas Special, just to milk the last remnants of life from the viewer/listener at a time when they’re helplessly pinned to their sofas by the EU mountain of festive sustenance lodged in their swollen bellies: their little fingers too fat with Yule to pick up the remote, they are a perfect, if half asleep, captive audience. The R2 Imaginary Clock Award is no different. Yes folks! Here it is: we are back for a very merry one-off Christmas Special Award Ceremony. How cool is that?! Ice Ice Baby. Yay!

So, I hear you ask- how is this going to work? Well as I type, we, I say we, I mean I, have no idea- nope not a clue. You see, I’m in the office completely on my own, the night before we all go on holiday (the rest of em have already gone), there’s not a sound, not even a squeak from a mouse can be heard over my keyboard rattle, even the normally deafening air-conditioning has fallen silent- it’s actually quite scary, the activity detectors which we call work detectors have switched off all the lights except for the ones here in my little corner. So it’s just me and you: very cosy. Welcome to my world. Hold onto my hand and we’ll be on our way on a thrilling adventure, which starts on a sunny afternoon sat right here on this park bench near Westminster Bridge…..

..With river-boats gliding past like silent trains on the water, we sit there motionless for a while just thinking: the footpath in front of us alive with human scurry, wasted lives lived always on the run but not us, no, we have all the time in the world because in this world, we set the clocks. It is time to eat. I know a fab little Italian near St Paul’s – it’s underground- here we are, just down the steps and to the left. You go first, I know: it’s just magic, don’t worry it’s better than the tube. Small and cosy but fab food, and if you ask very very nicely, they’ll go out to get chips to go with your Lasange from another place across the road. They don’t do chips of their own you see. Oh here they are. How cool is that? Yummy! Eye contact- linger just a little. The bill- already paid. Back up the steps we came down and out into Tottenham Court Road. Music. Music. Music. A guitar and amplifier! What, in this crowd? Don’t worry ‘ll put it in my handbag- there it goes. Buskers- wait listen, no! Let’s hear another one, you’ll like this one, tis your favourite. Oh it’s nearly time, through this arch and into the Festival Hall. How? Don’t ask. Award ceremony. Celeb host. Cheering crowds, bright spotlight. Who’s this for? It’s for you sweetheart… go get it!